**Disclaimer: This post is long. And personal. And severely lacking pictures of Dax. It is also honest and part of a healing process that I never intended to embark upon. The biggest question after writing this was to push publish or to simply save it. I wrote it for me because I needed to outwardly process my experience and emotions. Ultimately, I decided to share it because even though it has turned into a photo journal of memories with Dax, my original intention in starting this blog was to share our life with friends and family. The following is very much a part of our current and future life, no matter how far removed from our normal day-to-day.**
There are a few guarantees in life. If you are dating in your twenties, people will ask about marriage. When you get engaged, most conversations will steer toward the wedding. And once you're married, the majority of people will wonder about kids and many will ask. After one baby, thoughts turn to more. I am guilty of it, too. Who doesn't want more adorable, chunky, sweet babies around? However, I recently realized how personal and painful those questions can be. Whether it is fertility issues, an early pregnancy that they aren't ready to share, or loss, many people have a hard time answering. Even those with the most positive intentions can cause heartbreak.
For us it started this summer. We decided that it was time for our family to grow again. We were blessed to get pregnant and were so excited about the possibility of Dax becoming a big brother. I even bought him a t-shirt declaring to the world that he would be the best one. That night I started to have some bleeding that turned out to be the pregnancy failing. My doctor explained that, due to how early it was, it was likely a chemical pregnancy. Conception had taken place and caused the positive pregnancy test, but for some unknown reason it had never attached and, thus, never become a viable pregnancy. We mourned the future that we were anticipating and were sad to postpone meeting our newest family member, but felt some relief that we were not losing a baby.
A couple months later we were blessed to get pregnant again. This time we were a bit more cautiously excited, but couldn't help but start to again picture our family of four. At 8 weeks, we had our first prenatal appointment. My clinic does early ultrasounds to make sure everything is okay and we were eagerly anticipating the chance to see our baby. As the ultrasound tech took some measurements and clicked around trying to pinpoint the exact location of the fetus, both Jake and I were a bit anxious. All of a sudden, our baby popped onto the screen and both of us breathed a sigh of relief to clearly see the heart beating. It was pure joy to know that this little one was healthy and growing. We were given a due date of May 2. Although we knew that it was typical to wait through the first trimester before sharing, we couldn't help but spread the word to close family and a few friends. The excitement was definitely growing.
At the next appointment, we knew we would not get to see the little one, but were excited to hear the heartbeat and meet with my doctor for the first time. Of course we had some questions having had the early miscarriage and could not wait to share with the rest of our world after a second good report. When Dr. Princ brought out the doppler, she was having trouble hearing anything. I reminded her that in our first pregnancy she could not find the heartbeat either due to my having a tilted uterus and she did not seem concerned. She left the room to get a second machine because she didn't like the feedback from the original and I turned to Jake and said, "Is it bad if I hope that everything is okay, but that she can't find the heartbeat so we can see the baby again?" Well, I got my wish to receive another ultrasound, but this time it was not as exciting as with Dax. Having been through one healthy pregnancy and seeing the heartbeat only a few weeks earlier, Jake and I could both tell something was wrong. Dr. Princ was also very concerned, but since she is not an expert in ultrasounds and the tech was not in the office, she sent us to the hospital for a second opinion.
I think time stopped while we were on the drive there. It didn't help that traffic was horrible due to a car fire on the freeway, but I was also completely devastated. While we tried to remain positive, I was a mess. So many questions were running through my head: "How long have I been carrying a dead baby?" "Will they take care of this tonight?" "How can I go to school and see my pregnant friend everyday?" "Why?" "How can we tell Dax?" "Did I do something wrong?" "How could I not know?" and so many more. Rationally I knew that I was both getting ahead of myself and letting my emotions get out of control, but I couldn't stop them from coming.
After both an external and internal ultrasound, it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and had likely stopped growing about a week earlier. My initial reaction was that I wanted it out of me. Immediately. However, it was a Friday evening and that was impossible. The on-call doctor at my clinic was able to schedule a D&C for Sunday. Looking back, that extra time was a blessing because I was able to start to process the loss before physically losing the pregnancy. I had time to grieve and say goodbye even though the baby had not had life for several days. I don't know that it would have made a difference had everything occurred differently, but I had a little peace as I arrived at the hospital in Waconia. Thankfully, I was out for the surgery so I have no memory of the procedure and it was a pretty easy recovery. The biggest scars are emotional.
As it turns out, October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month and two short days after the surgery was pregnancy loss awareness day. In the moment I was horrified by the commercials and facebook posts reminding me constantly about what we had just endured. Again, though, I can find the positives when I look back at the experience. One thing I learned from that was the statistic that 1 in 4 women has a miscarriage. I found no comfort in the fact that it is common, but was able to fully realize that it was not something I caused. I also started to feel hopeful that my experiencing this loss would save people close to me from ever having this pain. I obviously know that I cannot control who does or does not, but also kept picturing groups of four women and thinking that I am the one. In a strange way, that gave me comfort knowing that I could handle it. I also had a friend post about some losses that she had and made the comment that she found comfort picturing her angel babies dancing with Jesus. It was such a beautiful thought and reminded me that, while we cannot take care of our sweet little one, he or she is okay. The image of Baby in heaven made me think of my grandma and Jake's brother Rhett and I know that they are taking good care of our babe. I also had a conversation with a great friend who has lost a baby and she said, "I bet our babies are playing together." I have had that same thought so many times since and can't help but smile. If I had the chance to change it and to have a healthy pregnancy, I absolutely would without hesitation. However, I am also so thankful and grateful for the support of friends and family and a faith that has carried me through this loss and even given me some joy that we have a little one who has never experienced anything except love.
Even through the comforting thoughts, there is a lot of pain. People's questions about when we will have another one and coworkers commenting that I should have another baby soon because I make cute ones no longer make me smile. When another friend announces they are pregnant and there are questions sent my way as a result, I so badly still want to say May 2. In that case, I am incredibly happy for them and it seems very separate from our loss, but still serves as a reminder. And when people wonder aloud when Dax will be a big brother, I cringe inwardly because I am wondering the same thing. So, while I appreciate the kind thoughts, it would be easier not to have so many reminders. My plea to all of you for all of the women out there who want to be pregnant, are pregnant and don't want to share yet, or have lost a pregnancy is, just don't ask.
