The Littlest Schulz

 **Disclaimer: This is another long post. It is a compilation of several recent experiences of ours. Thankfully, it has a happier ending than my last post with a disclaimer.
 
When I was young we had a book called The Littlest Angel. I don't remember a lot about the story, but have vivid memories of the pictures of a young boy with angel wings walking among the clouds in heaven. That's sort of how I picture our baby in heaven - innocent, curious, happy, and oh-so-loved. I think about her (or him, but I still think it was a girl) every day and look forward to the day that I can finally snuggle baby, though I hope it isn't too soon. We are happy to share that that baby is no longer the littlest Schulz. :)

Here's a look at our journey to this point:

4 Weeks (mid-January) - Positive pregnancy test. Hooray! We were a little shocked and extremely happy to learn that we were pregnant again. Leading up to it I was not sure how I would feel - scared, nervous, disconnected, the same as before? Turns out that when you want something, even devastating loss can't stop happiness. Along with that, though, came a strangely business-like feeling. Knowing that I needed to make some early appointments and that this one would be "high risk" it seemed less natural and more like a new to-do list. We immediately started checking things off.

4 1/2 - 5 Weeks - Blood tests. Ugh. Small veins, serious dislike of needles, and a toddler to pick up at daycare made those two appointments inconvenient and less than thrilling. However, the result was worth it. Good progesterone and HCG (pregnancy hormone) counts and growth. So far, so good. And I was failing not to get too attached too quickly.

7 Weeks - Viability test. Sounds serious, huh? It turns out that's the technical term for an ultrasound to determine the due date and check that it's a viable pregnancy. Personally I think they should save that term for the insurance companies and just happily call it an ultrasound. Either way, it was a good day. Baby popped onto the screen with a strong heartbeat (around 140 BPM). The head and body were still completely connected and it was too young for arms and legs so it did not look very baby-like yet, but was healthy so we could not ask for more. We also learned that it was conceived from the left ovary (TMI? We thought it was interesting that they could tell), that the placenta had not yet formed and that baby was growing and living off the yolk sac that was still in the uterus. Who knew?!
     We were also given an estimated due date. Drumroll.... September 15. Jake and I had a good laugh at that. A teacher with a September baby is almost as rare as Big Foot. But, when you are reminded that you can't actually plan everything and that God is in control, timing becomes less important than simply living and loving.
     After seeing the baby, I could no longer even pretend to hold out any attachment. I was completely in love with the little one growing inside me and feeling more fiercely protective with every second. We started to share our news with close family knowing that, regardless of the future, we needed their love, excitement, support and prayers.

The circle on the left is the yolk sac and the blob on the right is Baby

9 Weeks - Early Ultrasound. Even though everything had looked good at the first ultrasound, we were told to check in again a couple of weeks later to ensure that the pregnancy was progressing appropriately. After being more exhausted than I ever remember feeling and having slight nausea on a daily basis, I was feeling pretty good about what we would see and learn. Of course there were also some nerves, thinking back to the complete heartbreak that comes with bad news.
     As it turned out, my intuition was correct and the pregnancy was progressing normally. Baby popped onto the screen wiggling all around. This time the head and body were more defined, the yolk sac was still present and nourishing our little one, the heartbeat continued to beat strongly (170 BPM this time), we could see the beginning of the umbilical cord forming, and the little arm and leg buds were visible and moving around. Baby was pretty active and it was so fun to see it healthy. It reminded me of a gummy bear with the large head and tiny arms and legs. We thought that would be a cute nickname, but we'll see if it sticks. :)
     The best part of this ultrasound was the photos. Even though we can't see Gummy Bear moving in the pictures, they completely captured the sweetness of this stage. Plus, we learned that it's about 2.6 cm at this point so the ultrasound photos are almost life size. That made it seem even that much more real.
     Our next appointment would be the normal 12 week check. It felt good to be getting close to "normal."

Head on the right, booty left, little arm and leg buds on top

After a few days of relief, the worry began to creep in again. Though I was completely attached to our Gummy Bear and often found myself "holding" the little one, it was also hard to feel the joy that I felt with past pregnancies. As much as I told myself all was well (the sheer exhaustion, nausea, and other minor symptoms were proof of that), I could not stop myself from questioning it and was so eager to hear the heartbeat again. Thus, when I got a phone call indicating that my doctor had been called to a delivery and they needed to reschedule that highly anticipated appointment, I almost panicked. Thankfully, another doctor was available and we could still go in that day rather than waiting a whole weekend!

12 1/2 Weeks - We scheduled it a little later than usual due to my having conferences leading up to it. I also hoped that giving Gummy Bear a few more days would ensure that the doctor could find the heartbeat. We have never had a normal 12 week appointment and really really wanted this one to be different.
     Dr. Larson came in and introduced herself and, while she wasn't my normal doctor, she was great and I was just thankful we hadn't postponed. She pulled out the doppler to hear Baby right away (hooray!) and after a few long seconds of searching, we heard the most beautiful sound. Our littlest one's strong 155 BPM heartbeat! Dr. Larson predicted boy. Awhile later, Grandma Mary predicted girl. We shall see! :)
     The rest of the appointment also went well. Everything is progressing as it should and the only thing she said we need to change is that I should be trying to eat even more calories. I can handle that! She also told us that after hearing the heartbeat with the doppler, our risk drops to be the same as any other pregnancy. I have never been so relieved and, almost immediately, felt the joy coming back.

14 Weeks - We are eager to spread the news to the rest of our friends and family, love sharing the experience with Dax, and started to have the conversations about names and decorating the nursery that were unspoken off-limits conversations while we held our breath through the first trimester. We are so thankful and blessed to have a healthy little one at this point.

Creative

Every day Dax is learning new things, making us laugh, and testing out his toys in new ways. It is awesome to see his creativity! Here are a few snapshots of some of his finest moments...

"Driving" home with his groceries

Painting on glued salt to see the colors spread

His rocketship. Notice the "helmet", jet pack, steering wheel, shin guards, and slipper "boots"

Clearing "snow" off the farm roof after watching Daddy and Grandpa Phil do the same to our house

Fishy

Maybe turtle would be a more appropriate title for our little swimming lessons graduate. He is still hesitant to blow bubbles, HATES floating on his back, and scoops and kicks well, but strains his neck to ensure his head doesn't have any chance of touching the water. While we have some work to do to turn our sweet turtle into a fish, we enjoyed this first swimming experience! Bonus: Dax passed and was recommended for the prestigious next level - Parent and Child 2. :)

Jumping In

Front Float

Graduate!