New career?

During dinner last night:

Dax: Mommy's a boy.
Me: Who's a boy?
Dax: Daxy's a boy. Daddy's a man.
Me: What's Mommy?
Dax: Mommy's a fisherwoman.

I hope this boy never stops making me laugh. :)

Elf on a Shelf

Last year, Dax got an Elf on the Shelf as one of his Christmas presents. The little elf comes with a storybook, which explains that Santa sent him to watch everything and report back to the North Pole every night. It is intended to add some mystery to the season and to help ensure good behavior leading up to Christmas.

I was undecided about this little elf. As a teacher, I am very familiar with the extra wiggles and lack of self-control that can accompany the excitement of the holidays. I am also interested in almost anything that can add to the magic of Christmas. But something didn't feel quite right. I don't want Dax to behave because an elf is watching; he should behave because that is the expectation all the time. And isn't a month's worth of searching for the elf an excessive amount of Santa when we want Dax to learn about Jesus' birth?

In searching, I found that Elf on the Shelf is all over Pinterest. Parents out there have found so many creative (elf flying in a remote-controlled helicopter), hilarious (elf in the "hot tub" with other action figures), and naughty (elf found after having tp'd the Christmas tree) ways to display the elf each morning. Wait, what? Naughty? I was even less enthusiastic about motivating Dax to behave by using a mischievous little elf.

So, what to do? Jake and I decided that we would hide the elf every night for Dax to find each morning, but skip the book. We thought of how excited he was about the joker game this summer and decided I Spy was an appropriate game for Elf on the Shelf without putting too much emphasis on it. Then I read this blog and everything clicked.

Instead of sharing the Elf on the Shelf story, I wrote a letter to Dax from Santa. The letter explained that his elf was visiting our house this Christmas to remind Dax to be kind, help other people, and always remember that God loves him. Denise, Dax's amazing daycare provider, shared a Bible verse for every day that they will be revealing in an Advent calendar at daycare so Dax's elf will also be holding that each day to reinforce what he learns with her. We can not only share the magic of Santa, but also share the real reason for the season in a fun way every single day.

Today, Dax found his Elf on the Shelf. He walked right past it at first and was busy hanging a new ornament on the tree, but once he spotted the little guy, he could not get enough. He decided to name it Superman (after Mommy vetoed both "Daddy" and "Mommy" as names) and played with it all morning. It will be fun to see his reaction to the new hiding place each day. Stay tuned for the cutest elf moments this season.

Oh Christmas Tree...

The Christmas season is upon us! For the first year ever, we put our tree and some decorations up before Thanksgiving. We have not stopped preparing for this most wonderful time of the year since!

Don't get me wrong, we didn't skip Thanksgiving - I continued the tradition (is 2 years a tradition?!) of running the Turkey Day 5K, then we watched some of the parade on TV, and ended with a delicious dinner and great conversation with the Olsons. It is hard not to reflect upon the many many blessings in our lives.

But, as much as I love Thanksgiving, I LOVE Christmas and everything that comes with it - the lights, the music, the decorations. I think Dax is following in my footsteps. He has been so overjoyed with every moment. He asks us to turn on the tree lights, carries around a santa figurine, oohed and aahed over the Santa's workshop display at Macy's downtown, requests Christmas tunes periodically, happily helped decorate cookies, and could hardly contain his excitement when I showed him the box of Christmas books he could choose from for bedtime stories this month. Pure joy. I don't know if it's better to be experiencing this season myself, or to be experiencing it through Dax's eyes.

 

Party Dude

Dax is so delightful. Every stage has been fun, but as he becomes more and more expressive and imaginative it is only getting better. We get to know more about our little man's thoughts and personality with each conversation - yes, conversation! - and love overhearing his independent play. Here are a few of our recent favorites...

Dax has always loved music and tries to sing along with his favorite songs. He usually just belts out a few snippets here or there. The other day he shocked us by singing a song he hears at daycare; "R-E-D red, R-E-D red, I can spell red. I can spell red. Firetrucks are red. Apples are red, too..." He trailed off at the end, but got through almost an entire verse! Way to go, buddy!

He is also obsessed with the Ninja Turtles lately and regularly requests his Ninja Turtle hat or Ninja Turtle socks. We taught him their names, which is cute enough in itself, but Jake decided to extend that to their personalities from the cartoon theme song. One morning I was getting ready for work and Dax walked into the bathroom and informed me, "Michelangelo is a party dude." So funny.

His favorite hat. And he insisted on wearing his boots.

Another day, after playing with tools with Grandpa Mick, Dax reminded us that he used tools to fix a Buzz Lightyear toy. "I used tools. Hammer, screwdrivers, flashlight, hammer. It's for hamming." He proceeded to walk around the room hitting things with an imaginary hammer and saying, "Ham! Ham! Ham!" 

And here's an example of some other imaginary play:

Recently, we have been trying the potty every day before bath and any other times he is willing. He goes most of the times he tries, but also resists most of our attempts. He has a book about superheroes going potty and loves to reference that. He also sees his friends at daycare who are potty trained, which prompted a conversation about underwear. "I want underwear." I explained that he could wear it when he went on the potty every time. "I'll get Iron Man ones. Dinosaur ones. Like Patrick." Patrick is his friend at daycare. Hopefully his newfound interest in underwear will prompt early potty training. :)

Though we still appreciate his continuing development, more language also has a few downfalls. The other day he was frustrated with me and responded, "You're stupid!" Thankfully, he quickly apologized and has still been his sweet little self since. He has also started to call Jake, "Jake" instead of Daddy from time to time. Silly boy!

And, of course, as fun as it is, I'm sad that he is growing up SO FAST! Luckily, he still reminds us periodically that he is a little guy. "Bargage" (garbage) remains a staple of his vocabulary.

Just don't ask

**Disclaimer: This post is long. And personal. And severely lacking pictures of Dax. It is also honest and part of a healing process that I never intended to embark upon. The biggest question after writing this was to push publish or to simply save it. I wrote it for me because I needed to outwardly process my experience and emotions. Ultimately, I decided to share it because even though it has turned into a photo journal of memories with Dax, my original intention in starting this blog was to share our life with friends and family. The following is very much a part of our current and future life, no matter how far removed from our normal day-to-day.**

There are a few guarantees in life. If you are dating in your twenties, people will ask about marriage. When you get engaged, most conversations will steer toward the wedding. And once you're married, the majority of people will wonder about kids and many will ask. After one baby, thoughts turn to more. I am guilty of it, too. Who doesn't want more adorable, chunky, sweet babies around? However, I recently realized how personal and painful those questions can be. Whether it is fertility issues, an early pregnancy that they aren't ready to share, or loss, many people have a hard time answering. Even those with the most positive intentions can cause heartbreak.

For us it started this summer. We decided that it was time for our family to grow again. We were blessed to get pregnant and were so excited about the possibility of Dax becoming a big brother. I even bought him a t-shirt declaring to the world that he would be the best one. That night I started to have some bleeding that turned out to be the pregnancy failing. My doctor explained that, due to how early it was, it was likely a chemical pregnancy. Conception had taken place and caused the positive pregnancy test, but for some unknown reason it had never attached and, thus, never become a viable pregnancy. We mourned the future that we were anticipating and were sad to postpone meeting our newest family member, but felt some relief that we were not losing a baby.

A couple months later we were blessed to get pregnant again. This time we were a bit more cautiously excited, but couldn't help but start to again picture our family of four. At 8 weeks, we had our first prenatal appointment. My clinic does early ultrasounds to make sure everything is okay and we were eagerly anticipating the chance to see our baby. As the ultrasound tech took some measurements and clicked around trying to pinpoint the exact location of the fetus, both Jake and I were a bit anxious. All of a sudden, our baby popped onto the screen and both of us breathed a sigh of relief to clearly see the heart beating. It was pure joy to know that this little one was healthy and growing. We were given a due date of May 2. Although we knew that it was typical to wait through the first trimester before sharing, we couldn't help but spread the word to close family and a few friends. The excitement was definitely growing.

At the next appointment, we knew we would not get to see the little one, but were excited to hear the heartbeat and meet with my doctor for the first time. Of course we had some questions having had the early miscarriage and could not wait to share with the rest of our world after a second good report. When Dr. Princ brought out the doppler, she was having trouble hearing anything. I reminded her that in our first pregnancy she could not find the heartbeat either due to my having a tilted uterus and she did not seem concerned. She left the room to get a second machine because she didn't like the feedback from the original and I turned to Jake and said, "Is it bad if I hope that everything is okay, but that she can't find the heartbeat so we can see the baby again?" Well, I got my wish to receive another ultrasound, but this time it was not as exciting as with Dax. Having been through one healthy pregnancy and seeing the heartbeat only a few weeks earlier, Jake and I could both tell something was wrong. Dr. Princ was also very concerned, but since she is not an expert in ultrasounds and the tech was not in the office, she sent us to the hospital for a second opinion.

I think time stopped while we were on the drive there. It didn't help that traffic was horrible due to a car fire on the freeway, but I was also completely devastated. While we tried to remain positive, I was a mess. So many questions were running through my head: "How long have I been carrying a dead baby?" "Will they take care of this tonight?" "How can I go to school and see my pregnant friend everyday?" "Why?" "How can we tell Dax?" "Did I do something wrong?" "How could I not know?" and so many more. Rationally I knew that I was both getting ahead of myself and letting my emotions get out of control, but I couldn't stop them from coming.

After both an external and internal ultrasound, it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and had likely stopped growing about a week earlier. My initial reaction was that I wanted it out of me. Immediately. However, it was a Friday evening and that was impossible. The on-call doctor at my clinic was able to schedule a D&C for Sunday. Looking back, that extra time was a blessing because I was able to start to process the loss before physically losing the pregnancy. I had time to grieve and say goodbye even though the baby had not had life for several days. I don't know that it would have made a difference had everything occurred differently, but I had a little peace as I arrived at the hospital in Waconia. Thankfully, I was out for the surgery so I have no memory of the procedure and it was a pretty easy recovery. The biggest scars are emotional.

As it turns out, October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month and two short days after the surgery was pregnancy loss awareness day. In the moment I was horrified by the commercials and facebook posts reminding me constantly about what we had just endured. Again, though, I can find the positives when I look back at the experience. One thing I learned from that was the statistic that 1 in 4 women has a miscarriage. I found no comfort in the fact that it is common, but was able to fully realize that it was not something I caused. I also started to feel hopeful that my experiencing this loss would save people close to me from ever having this pain. I obviously know that I cannot control who does or does not, but also kept picturing groups of four women and thinking that I am the one. In a strange way, that gave me comfort knowing that I could handle it. I also had a friend post about some losses that she had and made the comment that she found comfort picturing her angel babies dancing with Jesus. It was such a beautiful thought and reminded me that, while we cannot take care of our sweet little one, he or she is okay. The image of Baby in heaven made me think of my grandma and Jake's brother Rhett and I know that they are taking good care of our babe. I also had a conversation with a great friend who has lost a baby and she said, "I bet our babies are playing together." I have had that same thought so many times since and can't help but smile. If I had the chance to change it and to have a healthy pregnancy, I absolutely would without hesitation. However, I am also so thankful and grateful for the support of friends and family and a faith that has carried me through this loss and even given me some joy that we have a little one who has never experienced anything except love.

Even through the comforting thoughts, there is a lot of pain. People's questions about when we will have another one and coworkers commenting that I should have another baby soon because I make cute ones no longer make me smile. When another friend announces they are pregnant and there are questions sent my way as a result, I so badly still want to say May 2. In that case, I am incredibly happy for them and it seems very separate from our loss, but still serves as a reminder. And when people wonder aloud when Dax will be a big brother, I cringe inwardly because I am wondering the same thing. So, while I appreciate the kind thoughts, it would be easier not to have so many reminders. My plea to all of you for all of the women out there who want to be pregnant, are pregnant and don't want to share yet, or have lost a pregnancy is, just don't ask.

Happy Halloween!

When costume hunting this year we were torn. Do we do something that keeps our boy little or go with something more fit for the little boy he's becoming? Nothing seemed quite right. While at one store I was considering a pumpkin - classic, following in Mommy and Daddy's footsteps, and wouldn't make him grow up too fast. So I asked Dax what he thought. His response? "I like the zebra." That made it easier. :)

Since we bought it, he has asked to wear it everyday and LOVES that costume. He got a second non-costume for daycare so he could be a Ninja Turtle by day and Zebra by night. We decided that one night wasn't going to cut it, though, and started Halloween early with visiting some of the grandparents for trick-or-treating. Even though he clammed up at each doorway, it was a blast!

We continued to practice saying, "Trick or Treat" in hopes that the real deal would be more successful. Though a little hesitant at the first house, he quickly learned the power of those three words and got more confident at each of the (6) houses we visited. He was thrilled with every piece of candy that was dropped in his bucket and picked very carefully when he was allowed to choose. It was very sweet and a great first attempt at trick or treating.

Apparently being a zebra is exhausting because a few minutes after we arrived home, Dax yawned and requested to go to bed. So his second Halloween ended having eaten no candy and going to bed early. Somewhat anticlimactic, but cute nonetheless.

Pumpkins!

Friday we went to the pumpkin patch (well, the field of pumpkins at the nursing home near our house) to pick out the perfect ones. Dax loved running around with the pumpkins and decorating his own, hated the pumpkin goo from Mommy and Daddy's pumpkins, and loved it again when we put them outside and lit them. It was such a fun evening!